28 February 2015 at 8:55 pm

I can't even begin to describe all that has happened since I last wrote in here, 9 months, 1 week, and 5 days ago.

I have kept a journal more recently, but a private one on a different site.

It's fascinating how quickly things can change. How one moment can turn everything I knew - or thought I knew - on its head.

It sounds dramatic. It's not as dramatic as it sounds. Or, maybe it is. It all started around 5 months ago. Well, in truth it was much longer than that. But the catalyst at that point brought a lot to my attention that I hadn't really seen before. I changed. It was exciting and terrifying all at once. And extremely confusing. Especially to my sweet, sweet, precious Clint.

It took 5 months but we eventually ended things. That wasn't the goal, necessarily. I wanted it to work. I really did. I still do! And it very well could. I just need some time to myself right now. I need to learn who I am and what I want and who I want and how I envision my life and what I can do to make it happen in that way.

I met Clint when I was so young. I mean, at 21 I felt super mature and not-at-all young at the time. Even my younger siblings when I reminded them recently were shocked, certain I was so much older.

Besides college, which was a weird time for me in general, I have never lived on my own. I have never been single.

College hardly counts. I didn't know how to live on my own or be single. I hardly know how to now. But I have a better sense, anyway. And at least a desire for it. A sense of a NEED for it.

So here I am!

My new place is about the size as our living room was. Fuck, I love that house. I miss it. (Another change - we moved into a gorgeous house he bought about a month after my last entry.) But I also love this tiny little guesthouse as well. It's all mine. It's cozy. It's bright and airy and I get to wake up to the birds chirping each morning, and set my little pellet stove to get some warmth each evening.

It's an adjustment, for sure. But for now it works. I picked something month-to-month for a reason, so it is doing the job.

I'm going to talk to Clint on Monday. We haven't talked since I moved out this past Monday. I'm anxious to see how it goes. I think it will make me really sad. But that's okay. It's part of the process.

After that we agreed to not talk for another two weeks. Baby steps, I guess.

I miss him. I do. But perhaps not as much or as deeply as I expected. That fact alone makes me sad. It makes me think that we won't get back together, after all. And in leaving, it was a mutual hope and desire that we would be able to get back together and try again. Fresh start.

I don't know though.

Another big reason for the break up was because the dynamic that we established 5 years ago wasn't working for us anymore. Not for me, anyway. And I came to realize that. And we tried to work on it. We went to couples counseling. We tried different things. But I came to realize I couldn't change that easily when I was deep in the middle of it, when we were doing essentially the same things every time. My attempts to correct the discconect between my inner and outer self turned into a rubber band effect. I couldn't make slight adjustments. I acted more extremely, which did even more damage.

So, we agreed that things couldn't stay the way they were. But that we had to take some time apart in order to try to change the relationship we had established and grown accustomed to for so long.

So... Say we do try again. I would need to "date" him again for a while. That would probably help some? Maybe not. I guess my big question is...
Will the break enable him (and me) to see how important we are to each other and really motivate us to make the changes necessary to get it to work?
Or will we too easily fall back into the same patterns because he knows me in a particular way and I know him in a particular way, and perhaps any differences won't be very appealing or desirable. Or too weird. Or whatever it is.

I don't know.

But... It's okay not to know. I'm just trying to stay present and take it the cliched one day at a time.

I have a lot to do. Training for my new (hopefully) career. But also finding a part time job. Finish settling into the new place. Staying social and making sure to go out with friends on a regular basis. Attending meet ups so I can meet new people. NOT dating for a month. No guys. One of my rules for this break up. I've already kind of broken that rule. I'm not very good at this. But that's okay, too. I'm back on track now. Hopefully. Haaa. Agh.

It's been difficult to stay motivated. I'm trying not to be TOO hard on myself, though, since it hasn't even been a week since moving out.

I also was trying not to drink much during the break, at least for the first month. Really my goal was to not get wasted, which is different. But really I should practice better discipline there as well. I drank a little on Monday because I had just moved everything myself. I drank a little on Wednesday when I attended my first Meet Up. Then again on Friday when my landlord's other tenant (the house handy man) came over to set some things up for me. I offered him a beer as payment, and that lead us to hang out all evening. I didn't drink too much, but he somehow got blackout drunk. It was kind of entertaining. And nice to have some company, even if it was a drunk dude I barely knew. But he was nice enough and felt soooooo bad today. I assured him all was good though, so we're cool hopefully. I mean all is good on my end, but I could tell he was super embarrassed. Anyway. Tonight I was going to abstain but I made myself a homemade dinner for the first time in a while, so I decided I would have some wine to go along with it.

I don't know what prompted me to share all of that. Maybe the wine. Hah. Anyway. Three nights in a week is a lot for me, to be honest. So it feels a little wrong, but I have no one around to judge me but myself. I wouldn't be so mad about it, but I already have plans that potentially involve drinking next Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. And possibly Saturday. JESUS. Then NO MORE for a week, seriously. Then a cruise for my friend's bachelorette party. And THEN no more again for a while.

God. Why does my social life have to revolve around drinking?

I know, I know. Key word "have". It doesn't HAVE to. Obviously. But that's the way it's working out.

I imagine most people don't think about it this much. I don't know why I'm so uneasy or guilt-ridden about it. Actually, I do. Part of the break up was me getting way too drunk a couple times and it not going over very well. And because I don't usually drink this often so it feels "bad". And because alcoholism runs in my family and although I'm very clearly not chemically dependent, those couple incidents as of late had me defending myself against any "issues" with "alcohol". Do I have a "problem"?? Yeah, sure. Plenty. But it has nothing to do with being an alocholic. Drinking just doesn't help solve my problems. So that's what I need to keep in mind.

FUCK I need to quit talking about this. I'm just on such a stream of consciousness right now. I guess that's what happens when I come back to write in here after 9+ months.

Lots on my mind. Lots of changes happening. It's an exciting time. It's necessary. It's scary and nerve-wrecking and different. For the first time in years I have no idea what the future holds. But sometimes I feel like I'm more comfortable this way. I like change. In a way it worries me because I've crept back to old, not-so-great relationship habits and patterns. Including a desire to just end things for reasons that I could have possibly gotten past. But every time I think about staying with him it's like "Maybe I should stick it out" or "I can put up with certain things to get the benefit of other things." Or whatever it is. But that mentality and language is not indicative of a healthy relationship. I shouldn't be putting up with anything at this age or stage of our relationship. So. Anyway. I'm rambling.

The point is...

I'm single.

Fucking weird.

prev or next