It'd be impossible to write about everything that happened over winter break and in the past week since I've been back at school between Clint* and I, which is, of course, the main concern on my mind. There are other issues, like school, and The Ex, and my family, and aspects of my social life, and so forth, but he is what really matters right now.

*Formerly known as "Diego"... I hate code names. It would have been obvious to anyone I knew who was reading anyway.

One way to do this is to just type out what I wrote in my notebook on a train ride from San Clint to LA, where I was about to catch a flight home after spending 3 weeks with him. Things were much more confusing than they are now and since then a lot has happened, but I'll start with it.

15 January 2010 at 12:20 pm

I was never one to regret things... Seemed like a waste of time and energy to worry about things in the past. Sure, I'd made plenty of mistakes, but how could I have regrets when those mistakes brought me to the place I'm in now? (Considering that I'm usually very happy with my life, the logic worked.) But now I understand regret. I still can't help but think that if X and Y didn't happen, maybe A and B also wouldn't have happened and therefore my path would have changed, perhaps not for the better.

But I would give anything to change certain actions in Portugal. It would have been so easy, and it wouldn't have, perhaps, prevented me from meeting Clint.

I just spent 21 days with him and I don't know where we stand right now. We broke up twice (both times when he was drunk). The first time I stayed up the entire night, and cried for most of it. The next morning he said, "Erin, I love you and want you and am going to spend the next three days that you're here trying to repair this and make it work." And those next three days were great. Wonderful. I really thought we'd be okay. I imagined us being together for the rest of our lives and got really happy about that prospect. The three days passed and I missed my flight home and got to spend four more days with him. And those four days were equally incredible. I was happy, he was happy, and we couldn't get enough of each other.

But last night we talked about everything again and he said that he had made his decision, and that it wasn't going to work. Having gone through it before, I reacted differently... I almost begged him not to give up on me, to try again. I promised that I'd do anything to make it work. I really tried not to cry. When he said that maybe in a year or two we could try again, I was thrilled and decided right then that I could do that, and that I would. I was heartbroken, but hopeful. In bed, he said, "Since we're being honest I want to know.. Have you been with anyone since your first visit?" I said yes. He asked his name, I said Zach. He said, "You lied to me. I'm done talking to you." My heart sank and I was at a loss for what to do. I didn't sleep well that night, but, eventually, I got enough. My heart was pounding the entire time.

I planned the entire morning out... How I was going to act, what I was going to say.. But the morning came and I didn't have to do or say any of it, because he found me in the bathroom getting ready and gave me a huge hug. He acted as sweet as he always is. We had sex and everything. I almost felt used, but he seemed so genuine - and he was - that I couldn't feel bad. I knew it was real, it was just extremely confusing. I'm not sure if he remembered the Zach comment or not, and I had no idea where he stood on "us" anymore. But he's not the type to toy with my emotions just to get laid one last time. And anyway, he does love me, adore me, care for me, want me.

Honestly, everything between us is as perfect as possible, as good as I could ever dream of. We fit perfectly together, physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally, intellectually... There are problems, of course, but nothing we haven't been able to work on and fix. Except... my age, my "liberal attitude toward sex", and what I did in Spain and Portugal (which he knows all about thanks to The Ex). And those things, unfortunately, do matter to him. Understandably. The worst of which being my actions in Portugal.* And that's where the regret comes in. Again, it's a bit pointless to really regret it because Clint knows I do, and it doesn't change anything.

*I had sex with someone a few hours before I met him... It was pointless. I was on acid, and we used a condom, and I figured, Why not? Not to justify my behavior because it was stupid, but it happened.

I'm heartbroken, still. I don't know how it's going to end up. I don't know how to bring it up, especially the Zach thing. If he doesn't know, he should. If he does know, I need to explain further. We're officially long distance again, now that I'm on my way home, and that does not help.

I want Clint more than anything I've ever wanted. I know how good we could be together. He treats me like a Queen - better than anyone else has times a million. And I want nothing more than to treat him like a King. I want to make him happy more than anything. I want to rub his feet every evening and cook him food and clean his house and travel with him and I want to marry him and have his children. I've never been so sure of anything, and it's a crazy, scary feeling. But I love it. I'm so happy with him, but now I might not have the chance at any of it...

I understand where he's coming from, I just fucking hte that it's even an issue. "Bad timing", he said. Fuck that. I know he's tried, and we've seen how good it is, but considering the situation that isn't enough for him. I'd do anything. If he needs me to spend a year or two growing up, I will. I'm over other guys. I'm over random hookups. I'm over all of it.

Maybe someone else will come into my life and he'll be better for me than Clint, but 1) I can't imagine who that could be and 2) I don't want anyone else. Fuck! I don't want him to have anyone else either. I wish we could just be together and allow our love for each other to guide us and take us through life happy, healthy, comfortable, confident... We have that potential.

But perhaps it makes since, with karma and all. I was bound to have my heart broken at some point, but WHY god, why does it have to be with Clint??

Ugh.

We'll see what happens.