The last entry was something I wrote about a week ago, and since then even MORE ups and downs have occurred.

In "short",
I fly home. My mom picks me up from the airport, and I cry the entire way home, and for a bit after I get home. She's extremely sweet and my youngest brother and sister, obviously knowing something is wrong, try to cheer me up as well. I decide to stay in that night. That was the night I got those texts from The Ex that I posted a few days ago. I'm confused about how to feel about them, but they are a million times less important that my mixed emotions about Clint.

The next two nights at home I see my girl friends who help me feel better about things between Clint and I. I see other friends who help me feel better in general. I'm still confused, however, because Clint is acting his typical wonderful self to me and talks about me visiting him again and so forth, something I assumed was up in the air.

I drive back to school. During the two hour drive I decide that he doesn't remember the Zach thing. I spend a good portion of the drive thinking about what I'm going to write to him when I explain everything.

The Zach thing - The first week back in school, I hooked up with him. He's just a friend of mine. It didn't mean anything. But when Clint asked about what I had done when we went to Vegas, I just said I kissed him. (We were in a strip club at the time, so I didn't feel it was appropriate to get into and I knew he'd be upset. But I couldn't bring myself to ever correct my lie, and it continued to be a lie.)

So I get back to school, and I email him explaining what happened with Zach and how things are different now and how I care about him so much, etc. etc. I leave the ball in his court and go see some friends, although I look at my phone constantly to see if he's said anything. When I see he replied to my email, hours later, I run home and read it. He's hurt and upset and doesn't know what to do or what to think. He starts by saying "I never loved anyone like I loved you. I thought you were incredible, and I'm really sad I was wrong." I'm devistated. It's a long email that says a lot, but the impression I get is that he can't be with me after all of this, as much as it pains him.

I respond and try to tackle every issue he brought up. It feels like a last resort in a way, like I have nothing to lose so why not try one more time...

He tells me he'll think about it, and he does. We slowly start talking more. He says since all this happened, it's been storming crazier than he's ever witnessed in Southern California, and there had been storms all over my area as well. He asked me, "If I give you another chance, will you be nicer to me??" He starts warming up to the idea. THANKFULLY he apparently watched this documentary on happiness which says that despite all the discrepancies concerning what constitutes happiness, nearly everyone agrees that happiness is being with the people that you love the most. He decides that that person, for him, is me. He says, "If we do this, will you be okay with me having to work on my trust in you??" To all his questions and concerns I reassure him that he's all I want and I'll do anything if he'd give me another shot.

Since then, things have been absolutely wonderful. I broke my phone the other night, so unfortunately I'm without one until Monday. But before then we had long phone conversations, like we used to, and would keep up with each other throughout the day. The weather cleared up where I lived, but when it continued to lightning he said it's because there's a spark between us, and when it continued to rain I said it's because he makes me so wet, and other really lame things to continue the correlation between weather and our relationship.

Today he bought me a plane ticket to visit him next weekend. I'll get in around 11 pm their time Friday and leave around noon their time Monday. He wants to see me in person to make sure it's the right decision to continue this. So we'll either break up for good, or finally smooth out this speed bump and move past it.

Obviously, I really hope it's the latter.

I talked to a counselor today and she said that if he can't let go of those things that happened, most of which occurred before we even knew each other, then maybe he isn't the one for me. And for me, while he'll never forget about those things, I am anxious and worried that it will break us apart in the future, and I need to know whether or not it will continue to be an issue. Because if so, I don't know if I could handle it. I need to be honest with him about that.

I had a dream last night that we had a baby together. I think he would be an excellent father and husband. Thinking about that actually makes me physically and emotionally excited, not freaked out. (That being said, I'm not looking to procreate any time soon by any means.)
He's seriously perfect for me. I know I'm young and I know this has been complicated and it's progressed strangely, but it just feels RIGHT. And, therefore, I am going to work on it. I want him in my life as long as I can. And I know that he feels the same way.

God, things are good right now. I really hope I come back from San Diego with good news...