I'm sad, and I'm lonely.

It's been snowing hard all night and all day. My last class got canceled. I'm in my room, in my PJs, in bed, thinking about taking a nap. I hear kids playing in the snow outside... A big group of students are building a badass igloo. I'm not really in the mood, though. I want a nap, and I want Clint, and I want some peace of mind.

Relationships (long distance, developing relationships with unnecessary extra baggage from the past at that) can be emotionally draining.

I ended up going to formal and I had a fine time... I drank, and danced a little bit, and wandered around socializing. I got too drunk, however, and on the shuttle ride home I was gone. My friend Katie drove me home and put me to bed (or couch, rather, seeing as I left my keys in my coat which is missing). Being in the highly intoxicated state I was, I managed to text Clint telling him I was about to pass out. But I was supposed to call him when I got home. That's all he asked me to do, and I didn't do it. Thus when I texted him he only assumed I was with some other guy. You're "clearly" with another guy, is how he put it, I think. But I wasn't at all, and I tried my best to explain to him the situation. But he wasn't very happy with me... I think eventually he believed me, but it took a while. He told me he didn't think he could do this, and be treated that way. I was miserable but all I could do was talk to him about it and wait for him to think about things.

He called me after the super bowl, clearly drunk, and we had a very long talk... It wasn't exactly a happy conversation. We talked for probably 3-4 hours, and most of it involved him making accusations about my sex life and my past. He said I was disgusting for what I did in Europe, that I probably fuck everything that comes my way, that I've probably fucked 100 guys, that he thinks I'm a slut...
It was absolutely heartbreaking. I do realize that my behavior in Europe wasn't appropriate and wasn't responsible and wasn't smart. I do realize that I've been more promiscuous that most girls my age. I do realize that I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. But I have NOT fucked everything that comes my way and I have NOT slept with 100 fucking guys. Jesus.

He was just really sad about it. He said there are probably some guys out there who could accept that, but he just can't. He told me he absolutely loved me, but he doesn't know how he could love someone who has done the things that I've done.

But after a while into the conversation he kind of switched gears, telling me he needed me to be with him. He was like "come visit me right now, it's not fair fighting like this over the phone. I need you in person to know how you really feel. I don't even get the benefit of facial expressions.." He told me to fake like I had mono and just live with him for a few months, and that he'd take all my tests for me. He told me he wanted to be with me and he wanted to marry me, but he said "You really just have to be nicer to me.."

I hate that I fucked up and didn't call him. If I had known it would have turned into this, I would have tried a little harder. I fucking hate fighting with him, and it's extremely saddening to hear your boyfriend, the person that you love, call you disgusting. What do you say to that??

I ended up buying another ticket to see him. He said he needed me there, and we found a plane ticket two weekends from now for under $200, so I'm going to see him. I thought the last weekend was one to determine our relationship fate; but this one will probably be even more serious than that.
I want to marry this man, so I'll do everything I can to keep him. But fuck, it's so hard.

Ugh.

I'm emotionally drained.

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. When I don't hear from him for an extended period of time, I can't help but assume he's found some other reason not to be upset with me, or that The Ex has texted him more information about my past, or he's changed his mind about everything.

Earlier today I admitted to him that I was nervous he had changed his mind about me coming to see him. (We talked about the visit and he told me to buy the ticket, but I did so after we quit talking. So when I told him this morning he got really excited, and I felt relieved because I wondered if he woke up, sober, and realized he didn't want that.)
He said "You know I love you or I wouldn't have gone through all this."
I said, "I know you do. I still can't help feeling a little unsure about things, but I know you love me, and knowing that helps so much, so thank you. I can't wait to see you... I miss you so much. I'm so excited :)"
He said, "I miss you too. Are you too unsure to give it your all?"
I said, "Oh no. I'm 100% sure about what I want and I'm more than willing to do what's necessary to have you... It's just hard seeing you so upset about things that it gets to the point that we could very easily break up. I know you love me, but I still worry that maybe one day the negative factors will outweigh it. I'll do anything you need me to to make you feel more comfortable."
He said, "Okay, please do your best. I want it to work badly."

It's comforting hearing that, but I'm still nervous. I just wish I could erase my previous random hook ups, or the entire incident with The Ex (the reason Clint knows any of my past life at all), or SOMEthing. If only an Eternal Sunshine-like memory erasing device were created... Then we could go in and zap all that annoying information right from his brain.

He's willing to go to counseling. I think that says a lot... He wants it to work so bad. I want it to work. But it's been hard...

Once it's no longer long distance, if we happen to make it to that point, it'll be so much easier.

Fuck.