"I love you every day, Erin, just so you know.. I'm sorry I didn't show it yesterday but I loved you even then."

These past few days have been harder than I'd like with Clint and I, but we made up and I feel a thousand times better about things. We obviously still need to work out certain issues for it to really work so I suppose counseling isn't out of the question, but seriously, once those problems are tackled (and perhaps they never will be fully fixed, but if it gets to the point that it doesn't get brought up with every argument or with every drunken sad time and we are 100 times happier than we are sad, then I'll be fine) we'll be solid. We are SO good together, I just hate that these issues are around at all. Especially since they reeaally didn't have to be.

He wants me forever. He wants me to move in with him and eventually marry him and raise a family with him. It seems like it's happened very quick, considering I've only known him 7 months (and officially dated him only a couple months), but in a strange way that's been the nature of our relationship, even in a joking manner. I proposed to him that first night we met so my being his Lagos wife, then San Diego wife, then Arkansas wife was a running joke for a long time. And then it got serious.

So it is weird, I know, but it just feels so right. I haven't seriously considered moving in with someone until I met him. I definitely haven't considered marrying and having kids with a boyfriend until I met Clint. I know I'm young, but he's not, and he still wants it, so that makes me feel better. And the age thing is hard for both of us... I worry at times, but never enough to give up. If I knew this wasn't going anywhere, I wouldn't be doing it. I have no reason to play him like this. So it's serious.

Fighting with him the other night, hearing his brutal honesty be thrown in my face, was really hard. I didn't want to put up with it, but I wanted to talk it out and work it out more than that. At one point he said "Whenever you hang up the phone and go to sleep I won't talk to you again, so this is our last conversation."

I don't know if he's a super dramatic drunk or if he really means those things at the time or what. Because I told him I didn't want to quit talking and we continued talking until he decided he wanted me to visit.

And, in a way, I knew he wasn't too serious. If he wanted, he didn't have to put out the energy to fight with me like he did. He wanted me to explain myself and he wanted to hear what I had to say about the things he was thinking. He could have easily been the one to hang up the phone and never talk to me again, but he held on. Like he said, even that night he loved me... And I guess I kind of knew that had to be the case, so I guess that's why I let him say his mean things.

Ugh.

For being the nicest, most caring, most flattering guy I've ever met, he sure did have a mean streak that night. But I know that's not something I'll have to deal with again (hopefully... realistically he might have a couple more freak outs, but as he said, as long as I don't do dumb things (ie not call him when he asks me to) he'll have no reason to worry and thus no reason to explode). He really does make me feel better than any other guy has. He thinks I'm gorgeous, brilliant, hilarious, interesting, fun, and he lets me know it constantly. So when he told me I was a slut and disgusting, well.... I don't know. I definitely took it to heart, but in the end he still makes me happier than he's made me sad. And he said it himself - "I was pretty hard on you yesterday and I want you to be happy with me, not sad, okay?"

When you love someone, that's an easy line to make you feel better about things.

I love him. I hope I'm doing the right thing... But I'd need to have a lot more doubt about it to quit.