I'm writing this while eating chocolates I just got from my sweet boyfriend. He sent me a dozen roses and a box of chocolates despite asking me twice if I would be okay if he didn't get me anything for Valentine's Day. What a liar!

Speaking of which, I'm done lying.

I looked through my old diary the other day and it was incredibly therapeutic.. It was an accident; I didn't mean to read old entries for hours, but it's hard to stop once you start.

I wanted to delete all of them, get them out of my life. I was sick of my diary causing me problems and looming over my head like a big ominous cloud of my past. I hated it.

So I went to Diaryland to see if I could delete the entire thing... ALL of tremedous and especially ALL of tremendo. But, stupidly, you can't.

But in the process of figuring that out, I looked at tremendo's notes page and saw one that made my heart sink... Suddenly, everything made sense, and I CANNOT BELIEVE that I didn't get it before. I feel like such a fool.

The Ex was able to get into my diary because I gave him the password. He asked for it under a username that I didn't recognize and thought sure, why not? His note asking me for access was suspicious, his profile was suspicious... He had a number of entries and they were fascinating and also made me feel weird, but I blew it off. There was no way I knew this guy... But I fucking did, and I had no idea until recently.

So that's why I changed my password again. Totally unnecessary, considering that I changed the password on tremendo after I found out about what he did and I didn't tell that user, then made this new diary, then changed its password multiple times, and so forth... Even though my paranoid side thinks there is a 10% chance he is still all up in my business, I know the reality is that it's really more like 0%. However, I really just don't trust the whole thing any more.

So that was startling. I wanted to say something to him, especially since he texted me randomly the other day (telling me to listen to this Lil Wayne song, then chatting about this concert he might go to and how he might roll and he reminisced about our 2CE experience) but I decided against it. I want to be nice to him, but only because he kind of scares me. I'll chat with him if he texts me like that, but I don't want to initiate anything.

Clint thinks he might be texting me like he is and being all friendly in order for us to be on good terms so I could be a booty call or something. I really have no idea what he wants from me. I don't like thinking about it like that, but it could be true, I suppose.

ANYWAY.

Back to the lying.

After reading countless entries I came to the conclusion that I really used to be a piece of shit.

Granted, I'm not a saint now by any means and I've still lied to Clint and I had sex with people since I met him. So, I'm not perfect. But I'm a lot better than I used to me. And these past couple months I've been pretty close! I haven't kissed anyone in months and I haven't lied about anything. I fucked up when I got real drunk the other night, but that was an innocent mistake.

But my bad behavior was out of control a couple years ago. I guess it all started when I went to college and continued dating JD while I made that transition. Looking back I realize that wasn't a great idea...

I cheated on him, lied to him about cheating, and did it again and again. I was incredibly selfish. After the main break up, but when we were still very off and on, I was such a bitch. I was trying to get with Jesse and JD would call me drunk and sad and I'd just ignore his calls. Even worse was the attitude I had about it, the way I wrote about those events... It seriously made me cringe. I ended up deleting every entry I read so I don't have specific quotes, but wow. "JD called me like 10 times and left all these voicemails and in one he was crying and blah blah blah. I'm just going to go back to making out with Jesse who OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T RESPECT ME but whatever he's soooo hot that I'll ignore everything mean that he does!!"

It's really difficult going into your past only to see how naive, stupid, clueless, bitchy, annoying, mean, selfish you were.. I mean it's not like I've denied this part of me, but I haven't really delved into the past like that - especially the JD era - in a long time. It made me cry.

I talked to Clint about it and he was very supportive of my doing that... I think it helps him when he sees that I'm really trying to figure myself out and when he sees that I'm really hurt by the hurt I've caused. He doesn't want me to be that person, but he did tell me, "I love you Erin, I even love JD's Erin".

But if he were dating JD's Erin, that'd be a different story.

And also, I'm probably being a bit hard on myself. I wasn't a devil child, and I had good intentions a lot of the time, but I went about it in a stupid way. But what 18 year old really has her shit together? It's easy for me to judge myself now, but back then I wasn't doing anything wrong...

Anyway, while I've sworn off lying and cheating for a while now (and of course after every time I lie and cheat), I seriously mean it this time.

Clint has made me realize so much. He knows what a healthy relationship looks like and he doesn't expect anything but that. I hate that I have to learn these healthy-relationship-behaviors while I'm dating him, but thankfully he's more patient than I could ever ask for.

So not only will he not put up with lying and cheating, he also means the fucking world to me and I'm not about to risk it all on something stupid and selfish like that. And even more, the idea of me being that same person I was with JD and with Matt and even a couple months ago makes me cringe.

Of course I still have work to do. It's not like a couple hours of self-therapy really solved all my problems, but I'm more motivated than ever.

(x)

AH god. It feels so good! I love him and I'm so happy and it's such a relief to know that we could very well have a very serious, happy, healthy relationship ahead of us.

One week till I see him again. I can't wait.

PS Sorry relationships and boys are all I talk about.

PPS if any of you have a flickr and want to add me you can find me here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/erinnire/