This week has been insanely busy. I actually feel guilty that I've been bumming around all afternoon rather than getting a head start on the mounds of work I have, but 1) I've been working all week 2) it's Friday 3) I'll probably end up spending Saturday and Sunday working anyway. So I'll play Doodle Jump and read emails from an asshole (www.dontevenreply.com) and creep on facebook and update my diary all I want!

Although this might be short... Lauren, Katie and I are going to take advantage of happy hour in about 20 minutes.

Don't get to have a big party night though, because I'm taking a practice GRE test in the morning.
Have no idea what to expect. Could very likely completely bomb it. But that's the beauty of a practice test, I guess.
I figure I'll see how it goes and then consider studying for it this summer. I don't plan on going to graduate school for a year or two, or three, but apparently the score lasts for 5 years so I figure it'll be easy to take it when my mind is still sharp and fresh from college instead of when I've been out of school for three years. We'll see.

This semester has been great, class-wise, but shit's starting to get real. My thesis is due in two weeks and I haven't worked on it since last semester and I haven't looked at it since the beginning of this one. So yeah, I'm a bit nervous, but I figure I'll be able to pull through. I need deadlines, and since this one is quickly approaching I think I'll be able to get motivated.

Chemistry is way too early and still quite boring, but I made an A on the first test and I've done fairly well on most of the quizzes. Got a 100% (only 1 other person made an A) on the last quiz which was very encouraging.
I swear I could have made straight As for the past four years if I had really applied myself and cared about making As. Oh well....

International Human Rights is more interesting than I thought it would be. I still think the entire concept is a bit perplexing, but my professor is a human rights scholar so that's helpful. Intimidating, but helpful. We just turned in our first 6 page paper and I feel like he's going to rip mine to shreds, but we'll see...

American Political Thought has been fascinating! I've really enjoyed learning about how this country was created. I love politics, but being an International Relations major, I've focused on world politics or politics of the Middle East. Clint, on the other hand, is very passionate about US politics and I have learned a great deal from talking to him. Those conversations inspired me to take this class and I'm glad I have. Understanding our Constitution and what various Founding Fathers said about this country has helped me to better understand the current political system. And it's also helped me understand Clint's political philosophy (Constitutional Libertarian), which I've been very interested in.

Concepts of God might be my favorite class. Like American Political Thought, I've taken classes on Asian religions, but don't know much about Christianity or Western religions, which is what this class focuses on. It's all very intriguing. Of course I have my own opinions about religion and God that have gradually developed my entire life, but I still feel like I've been able to come into it pretty open minded because I don't subscribe to any religion. It's wonderful. There are countless theories and beliefs about what this "God" character is so I feel like in the end I'll be even more agnostic than before, but in a much more enlightened way. And anyway, I don't think someone has to be religious to love the idea of God, and while some ideas are more appealing to me than others, I can't take any seriously. I guess it explains why this is one of my favorite quotes: "Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it." (Andre Gide)

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Kind of related to the God thing, I saw the school counselor again today. The last two times I've talked to her it's been mostly about Clint, but today I wanted to talk about my dad. It was difficult, but very helpful. I think I'll continue to talk to her about that issue, at least a couple more times, so perhaps I can make some progress in dealing with it.

He died 14 years ago, so it's not like I haven't dealt with it... I've been dealing with it for 14 years. But I admittedly bottle a lot of it up. It's still a sensitive subject in my family, so we don't really talk about it. My friends know it's still hard for me, so we don't talk about it. I've had conversations with past boyfriends, but never more than a couple times and I never reveal too much.
Clint has been more curious about it than anyone else. He's encouraged me to talk to him about it and is very supportive and gentle when I do. Although I had been considering talking to someone professional about things, his suggestion to do so made me take it more seriously.

So anyway, I think it was a good step for me. I'm not exactly sure what I want to accomplish. I think ultimately I'd just like to talk openly about him and about his death without crying. I can mention it to people, and I can handle his old friends making comments to me about it, and every time I look at his picture in my room I am able to smile and think back fondly about things, but whenever I really talk about it, I choke up. It's still incredibly hard for me. I cry nearly every time I have a serious conversation about him. So that makes me think it wouldn't hurt to perhaps start the healing process over.

I went to a psychologist when I was a child, but never since then. I talk to my mom about him sometimes, but rarely in depth (and in a sad way if so). So, really, I've coped on my own a lot. And when you have to deal with something on your own, it's a lot easier not to deal with it, to push it back.

I'll never fully get over his death. I'll never be completely okay with it. But I want to get to a point where it's not so fucking painful. My throat is closing up writing this! I don't want that.

I want to be able to talk to Justin (my brother, a year younger than me) about it. I was 7 when my dad died; Justin was 6. We remember dad clearly, and we went through that experience together. We shared the same emotions, the same sadness, the same anger, the same bitterness. Yet we never talk about it. I worry that he deals with it even less than I do. My counselor suggested that I invite him to talk about dad if he ever feels like it, so he knows that offer is there. I think it would be good for both of us.

And then perhaps after that I can talk to Elle (who was 2 when he died) and John Michael (who was 2 months). It's hard because there is an obvious division between Justin and I and Elle and John when it comes to our dad. I hate that. I wish more than anything they could have memories of him, they could have known him like we did. I want to think it would have been better than not knowing at all. But either way, because of that split it's even harder talking about it with them, because we aren't on the same page. But I WANT to talk to them! I don't want it to be a taboo subject anymore. I want them to ask questions, if they want to. And I don't want to cry if they do.

Shit, I had no intentions on writing about this.

Lauren is on her way to pick me up, so I should pick myself up...

This was almost as therapeutic as my counseling session this morning. Maybe writing more about that time in my life would be helpful...

PS Clint and I are doing very well. I started this entry to talk about our weekend, but it went a completely different direction than intended. He's filled the pages of every other entry, though, so perhaps it's for the best. I'll be sure to give an update next time.